While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.