I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?