Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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S M O L
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Every. Damn. Time.
SF is the wild wild west man
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“I FIXED IT!”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.