Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Good news

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

jesus, what did this guy do

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.