MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
🤣😂
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
same energy
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”