Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”