[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.