Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Become ungovernable.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.