Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

lmao

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.