It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
You Might Also Like
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.