It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Happy Star Wars day!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.