Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

🥴😂

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

For anyone who needs this today