Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

the rocks need my help

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.