The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
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It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away