Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
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If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.