Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)