My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
You Might Also Like
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
me at the job i begged god for
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness