Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

these can’t be my only options

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.