A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.