Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

Can’t. Being lazy.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

🤣🤣

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?