Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.