Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth