Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

This story is comedy gold 😂

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again