KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
This meal prepping shit easy
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Good dog. ❤️
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
kitchen magnet
