Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”