Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”