Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
the three branches of government
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
