I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
No flush
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
