Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.