Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

Me: how are you

Friday: good

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.