No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
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Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.