*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
making sure he doesnt get away
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
