Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?