Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing