Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Coffee for people with no kids
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’m putting together a team
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I think the cat got the dog high.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!