Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC