All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed