Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

I am yelling

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Wolves should really raise more people.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?