WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?