Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

Canada has crack?

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.