Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Sounds like a real hoot.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Creepy-crawlies

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.