Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Important

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.