Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
oh shit
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.