I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.