Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?