Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier