I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
best review i’ve ever seen
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.