Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.