Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer: