Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Monday

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.