If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
back to work
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Dolls on drugs
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.