Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Spa day..😅

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.