wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My Guy
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Thinking about Jeff
